I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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