Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Randomize
