I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
