i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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