My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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