i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
