u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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