i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
