The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
