Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
