So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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