first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
