someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
