She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
