Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
false alarm, still single
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
