Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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