Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
this will be a night to untag.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
