I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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