shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
