So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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