Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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