He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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