Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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