i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
