I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I know her cup size but not her name....
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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