You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
