No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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