I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
