Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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