She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
