dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
