i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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