How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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