Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
