I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
