I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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