It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
