If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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