Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
