my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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