my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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