im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
