I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
