Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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