my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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