And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i out mim tonsoeep
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