A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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