If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
