All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
