I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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