Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
