I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
